Societal Expectations...

This week has been a heavy week.

The cartoon drawn by a fellow UT student caused me some discomfort, some anger and some sadness.  I feel that she crossed the line.  But do I think she should be kicked out of school?  No, I don't.  I don't think she should have lost her job at the paper.  I think that her thoughts and actions, although different than mine, should not be vilified.  And, I don't know her, but I don't think she meant it to be so hurtful.  I think that she was making fun of the media, not of Trayvon.  My personal thoughts are that it was too much too soon, but I don't think that she should be made an example of by losing her job or being kicked out of school.

Sexism

I saw this on Facebook:

Ugh!  This made me really mad.  As a feminist, I've struggled with the word 'feminist' because of its negative connotation.  I wonder if the image on the left is how the average person sees us.  I've had people tell me, "you're not one of those feminist".  What does that mean?  I'm a feminist.  I believe that women and men are equally intelligent and equally capable.  Are we different?  Yes, in many ways we are different. We are socialized differently from a very young age.
This made me so mad so I showed it to my husband.  He laughed.  He said, "honey, this is meant to be funny, you're taking things too seriously."  I don't know about that.  I do know that even if it was meant to be funny, some people will take it seriously and have another reason to see feminism as something that needs to be cured.  Crossing the line.

I was a tomboy.  I loved to play with trucks, with cars, with dirt and mud.  I loved climbing trees.  My mom tried to force me to wear dresses to school.  "Mom, if I wear a dress to school I can't hang upside down on the monkey bars without everyone seeing my panties"  she finally gave in.
On my 7th birthday my dad asked me what I wanted.  I said I wanted a big yellow Tonka truck.  Dad said, "Barbara, I think it's time you became a young lady."  I didn't get the truck.  He took me, against my will, to get my ears pierced instead.  Such a sad birthday for me.   :(
Then one day, when I was in my early 20's, I embraced my feminine side.   I like wearing dresses!  And I like wearing pants.  I like wearing makeup and getting dressed up.  I still like to play in the dirt. :)

My son wanted a doll when he was 2 or 3.  So, I bought him one. He loved that rag doll for a few months then set it down for something new.  My father in law was so angry at me.  "You're going to make him gay!" I would just smile and shake my head.   Sam would watch me paint my toenails and would say, "do mine do mine!" So I did.  Again, "You're going to make him gay!"  He made Sam feel so bad for having painted toes that Sam would ask me to paint them, but I could see the worry in his 3 year old furrowed brow so I would paint them with clear polish so his papa wouldn't scold him.
My son is the sweetest kid.  He plays with the little kids on the block.  They all look up to him.  He will play with the little ones when no one else will. He'll push the little ones on the swing, or play with the little preschool toys and won't complain. He'll play kitchen with my niece. He is just a sweet sweet kid. Did I do that?  Nah...I think he was born sweet.  I think all babies are born sweet.  I think that society changes them because of the expectations we place upon them.  I hope he always stays sweet.   Does that make him gay?  Of course not.  You know why? Because he wasn't born gay. And if he was gay? That would be okay, too. He's just a sweet kid who likes all sorts of things.  I'm pretty proud of him, he is a kind, gentle human being.

The most hurtful thing Sam ever said to me was this:
I was teaching him to put pillows into a pillowcase (you know it's kinda tricky) and he said "Mom, why do I have to learn to do this?"  I said, "Because Sam, you have to learn to make your own bed and this is part of it." He said, "Mom, I don't need to learn how to do this, I'll have a wife someday."  Like a stab in the heart.

In one of the readings, something that stuck with me was about equal pay and "Men's jobs vs Women's jobs".  My son was speaking to the school counselor about what he wanted to do when he grew up.  Sam said, I think I want to be a teacher. (this brings me much joy- I don't think there are enough good male teachers out there).  But the school counselor said to Sam.  "There's not much money in teaching, Sam.  You might not be able to support a family on a teacher's income."  Another stab in the heart.

Societal expectations...

As a woman, as a mother and as a human being

This has been a difficult couple of weeks and I'm struggling with several things right now. 

One of the things that has been foremost on my mind is this war on women.  I woke up one morning and suddenly it felt like it was 1960 all over again and women had to defend their right to reproductive health care.  Women are having to defend themselves against sexist slurs and comments made by people in the media about their sex lives.  What the hell is going on here?  After reading Zinn about the "Intimately Oppressed" I'm left wondering, are we taking a gigantic step backwards? Are we really telling today's young women to hold an aspirin between their knees so that they don't get pregnant?  Are we saying that if a woman chooses to have sex that this makes her a slut or a prostitute?  Am I really hearing these things correctly? Because I'm confused.  I thought this was 2012 and I thought women fought a long and hard battle to be treated equally and for respect. Didn't women burn their bras back in the 60's to demand equal rights?  What the hell happened?  I realize that this battle is still being fought and I realize that there are still many ways in which our rights as women are still not equal. But, we've come a long way, or have we? 

I saw this 3 minute video on facebook:   Ann Coulter explains why it would be better if women didn't vote. 

Unbelievable.  

Stand for Children

Because this has been a difficult couple of weeks, I was really looking for some inspiration from Jonah Edelman.  I was a bit disappointed in the seminar, but I was able to find a bit of inspiration.  I bought his mother's book, The Measure of our Success.  It's a small book, less than 100 pages, but it really spoke to me.  I realize that I need to find the inspiration within myself and remember why I wanted to be a social worker in the first place. In her book she says, "Service is the rent we pay for living. It is the purpose of life and not something you do in your spare time."  That's just what I needed to hear. 

This has been a difficult semester, not just for me as a student, but for me as a woman, as a mother and as a human being.  

RIP Trayvon Martin 

I had to tell my son about Trayvon yesterday morning.  How do you explain the unexplainable?  As a mother, I feel his mother's pain.  I feel his mother's pain as I think about my son, just a couple of years younger, sitting at school while Trayvon sits in a cold grave.  My heart is truly broken.  And I am outraged.  I am outraged and I feel so sick and helpless and I want so much to do something. I'm also scared.  I'm scared of the hatred that this reveals and I scared about what this means.  I'm scared that someone like Zimmerman would kill a young boy in cold blood.  What does this say about us as humans?  My husband has said before, "We have a thin veneer of civil behavior that can be easily scratched to reveal our true barbaric nature".  I've always disagreed with this.  But now, after this, I'm left wondering...

peace, love and hope

This semester has opened my eyes a little on the topic of religion.  

I grew up in a religious household, went to church every Sunday and participated in religious activities outside of church.  A church that taught hellfire and damnation.  

The first time I questioned my beliefs I was about six and I had a cat who died.  I told my Sunday school teacher about my cat and how upset I was that she had died, and that I was looking forward to seeing my cat in heaven.  She told me that God doesn't allow animals in heaven.  What? I thought, "If God doesn't allow animals in heaven, what kind of place is it and why would I want to go there?"  

Of course, this was one lady's interpretation on Christianity and heaven and animals, but it really stuck with me.  

Since then, some of the most horrific things I heard have been from people of the Christian faith.  I realize that these are people who are speaking of their own beliefs and their own values and they in no way represent everyone's belief but these things shaped my thoughts about religion. 

I went on a ski trip with a church group.  A group of about 30 teenagers were having lunch one day and the pastor of the church was talking to us.  This group of kids was all white, except for me, but I looked white and I didn't say anything to bring attention to myself.  The guy said to us, "I believe that all minorities should be sterilized."  This was the pastor of the church!  This man who had power over the minds of these impressionable teens said those words.  I didn't say anything.  I sat there, amazed and very sad.  He was saying that I shouldn't exist.   

 

So, the reason I say that my eyes have been opened a little is that I know realize that I have been intolerant of people's faith.  I would never say something to someone who practiced their faith, but a little part of me on the inside might judge you a little or might even fear you a little. I don't want to be that way anymore.  I realize that as a social worker, and as a human being, that I will come in contact with many different people with different backgrounds and different beliefs and that some of these beliefs will contradict mine, but that in no way does that make them any less valid or any less relevant.

I believe that there are many paths to Heaven, to God, to Enlightenment.

I don't believe in hell or in eternal damnation. 

I believe in peace, love and hope.  

Wal-Mart, Classism, and my thoughts on debt

Wal-Mart


Wow!  I knew there was a reason that I don't shop at Wal-Mart but other than the horrible feeling that I get when I go in there, I really couldn't articulate why I choose not to shop there. 
I was amazed and angered at the thought that management would encourage employees to seek health care or benefits from the state because they were not willing to pay a living wage.  That means that I, as a taxpayer, am helping subsidize Wal-Mart. 
I was also outraged at the thought that managers would suggest to their employees to work off the clock.  What is wrong with these people?  And I would have to disagree that this is a few bad managers that have made those decisions.  Those decisions come from higher up and are the accepted practices of the company.  Companies have values and this company's values do not match with mine.  I will continue to not shop at Wal-Mart.  
(But I do shop at Target, and now I'm scared because I like Target!!) 




Classism
Something was said in a different class by a fellow student, whom I respect and whose opinions I value, that has stuck with me all week.  We've been talking about physical environment and after some class discussion about whether or not parks or green areas or community gardens were relevant to impoverished neighborhoods, she offered, "If you're thinking about parks, then you're not low class."   Maybe she meant something different then how I interpreted it. Maybe I'm completely on the wrong side of the ballpark on this one (pun intended).  I interpreted "low class" as "poor"- maybe I'm off here.  If so, then please forgive me. 
But... 
Wow.  This comment made me very sad.  :(  
Parks and green spaces, in my opinion, are important to poor people and to poor neighborhoods.  I spent A LOT of time in parks as a child- and we lived in an impoverished neighborhood, and we were poor.  Some of my happiest moments were spent at the park with my friends and my sisters.  Digging in the sand, swinging on the swings, playing castle, playing chase...  Those were great times where we were physically active, outdoors and we had free time to use our imaginations.  
I think about all the kids I played with and how this was one of our only forms of entertainment.  We didn't have money for the movies, we didn't always have a working TV and when we did, we didn't have cable.  We played outside, at the park, in the playground.  
I understand that things have changed a little in some neighborhoods, some parks are unsafe and may have bad people in them doing bad things, but that, to me is a different issue. 
Playtime, particularly outdoor playtime, is just as important to poor children, as it to children with higher economic status.  
I can also see where parks might not be a neighborhood's primary concern.  I can see that a parent of a child might not be able to put food on the table or might not be able to keep the lights on, and that playing at the park might not be very high on a priority list, but I still think it's an important way to keep a community together and a healthy alternative to other activities that children might get involved in. 


I don't mean to judge or to offend anyone, I'm just voicing my opinion.  I would really love to have an open dialogue about this subject. :) Maybe I just don't understand and am only seeing one side from my limited worldview. 


Chapter 40- The Debt Trap. 


Reading about Diane McLeod left me with a couple of different thoughts.  First of all, I do believe that banks prey on the disadvantaged or the uneducated with their high interest rates and their fees. I do think that people of color are treated differently and charged differently.  I worked in banking, so these things I know to be true.  However, I do think that people should be held somewhat responsible for their purchasing decisions.  I feel that many people overspend and rack up the charges on their credit cards to keep up with their peers, or to keep up with the people they see on TV.  Sure, one could argue that media plays a big part in this, and one could also say that people aren't educated on finances.  I know that I was not educated on finances.  When I was 18 and in college for the first time, I got a credit card.  I had a part time minimum wage job and I had a credit line of $2000.  What did I do??  I charged that sucker up- all the way up.  I bought a TV, clothes, shoes, meals, etc. Shoot, I even bought clothes for my roommate.   And what happened?  I defaulted on that card.  I spent years paying it back.  YEARS.  For clothes that were long gone, a TV that was tiny and completely obsolete and meals that had long been forgotten.  But, you know what, I learned that lesson.  It was a hard lesson to learn. But I learned it.  It took me years to repair my credit. 


I would love to say that I was completely debt free, but I'm not.  I have a small amount of revolving debt, but nothing I can't manage.  
When I see people charging things they don't need, I get it, I completely understand, I've been there, I've done that, heck, sometimes I still do, but I am completely responsible for that debt. 


The whole mortgage debacle, in my opinion, is a completely different matter.  Banks purposefully mislead buyers into buying things they couldn't afford or mislead them into interest only mortgages.  But then, I struggle with this: Whose job is it to educate people on large purchases, or on how to manage their finances?  As a parent, I feel that it's my job to teach my child.  But, what if you don't have a parent that can or will educate you on finances.  Does one have to learn the hard way as I did? Or should there be a high school course on finances (maybe there is) and if there is a course on finances, will it make a difference?  


I believe that poor people get charged differently than other people.  I can see how people get into a sea of debt just trying to play catch up with the bills.  But charging all that money on stuff from QVC, it's difficult for me to have any sympathy for Diane.  :(